"experince is what you get, when you don't get what you want"
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
It's official! I'll be watching SATC, the movie, in Richmond, VA, with my best friend Stinky!
We were both in university when new seasons of SATC were on TV, and our weekend plans would always revolve around making sure we would be home to watch Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda prance around NYC in pretty clothes and then take them off in their bedrooms, cabs, restaurants, other people's homes etc. These were the days before PVR/TiVo/streaming shows from the Internet, so if we missed an episode, there was no way to watch it until it was repeated. Which meant waiting a ridiculously long time, for an extremely important life lesson, that we could relate to, even though we were in our early twenties living in a small university town, and they were in their mid-thirties living in Manhattan.
In January 2003, when I moved to NYC for my internship, I made a list of all the NYC places the SATC girls had gone, and went to them all myself: Sushi Samba for dinner, Magnolia for cupcakes, Tao for drinks, and Tequila Flats for margaritas, just to name a few. I wanted to be Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, I wanted to live their lives. I wanted to have their sex. I already had the drama and the city and the friends. All I needed was the sex and the expensive bags. Lets just say, neither of them happened.
When Stinky moved to NYC after graduation, every time I went to see her, we'd visit more city sites made famous by the show. We bought the DVDs and watched them religiously, absorbing every word Carrie would say, like she was preaching from the Bible, like she was going to teach us how to have a great life. Giving us hope that one day we too will be 35 dancing around New York in pretty shoes, making men with commitment issues realizing we are the one (every girl's dream, no?).
After watching the DVDs about 10 times, I stopped dreaming for the SATC life, and started living my own life again. My life is still full of drama, but thank god I also still have my great friends to prance around in somewhat pretty clothes, and that there is a cupcake shop in Toronto, for every girls nite in.
I am excited to see what the SATC girls have been up to in the past few years. I hope they have grown up and that the drama has died down. Giving us hope that one day we can truly have it all, pretty clothes, great friends, and lots of sex with the same guy each nite (sometimes more than once a nite).
I am even more excited that even though we live miles apart, in two different countries, that Stinky and I are still best friends. We were watching together the night that Charlotte asked the girls in the coffee shop on the eve of Carrie's 35th birthday "Why can't we be each other's soul mates, and men can just be these really cute, nice guys that we have fun with?" It was exactly the same way we were feeling about each other! I can't imagine watching this movie with anyone else. Love you stinky, my soul mate.
The last time my life was so confusing, i rebelled by putting bright purple highlights in my dark dark black hair. I was 24, and didn't care about anything, let alone that I was working at an ultra conservative accounting firm and that everyone thought I was crazy. Some people get drunk and sleep around to ease the pain, others eat tubs of ice cream, I crave change.
Three years later, I've changed. I'm no longer working at the ultra conservative firm , but I do not care to walk around looking a mess. It was a stretch at 24, and although I loved the bright red highlights I saw in some teenager's hair yesterday, but I just don't care to let the world know that I haven't gotten it figured it out yet.
I am still making changes though. I've booked an appointment for a haircut on Friday. I'm thinking short, but probably will chicken out last minute. I'm taking time for myself. Yoga at the gym on Fridays, hot yoga with my super-buff, rock climbing friend, Alan, on Wednesdays. Lots of wine with friends, in their homes, any night of the week, instead of tequila shots and broken-down-golf-carts at open bar work functions, where I was great at making a complete fool of myself (see, I told you I didn't care about anything.)
I was talking with my girlfriends on Saturday night. 3 bottles of wine between the 3 of us had made us pretty drunk, but there is one thing we all agreed on: we needed the drama in our lives to appreciate the good times. I've had the drama, and I'm sick and tired of it. Now I'm craving change.
Monday, March 10, 2008
I've seen him twice in the past week. I suck. Especially since I initiated it.
Monday, my friend Nick's firm, rented out the Air Canada Center for a Friends and Family skate night. My sister gave me skates for Christmas in 2003, and I have yet to wear them. When I explained that to Mr. F, in August, he laughed at me and we promised each other we'd go staking at city hall this winter, to break them in. Now they are broken in, and my promise to Mr. F. was broken. I was feeling guilty, and to ease my guilt I called him to see if he wanted to go skating sometime that week. He didn't pick up, and when he called back I ignored his call.
Then he called again the next day. And then again. I didn't pick up the first time, but I couldn't ignore his call the second time.
Mr. F: Let's go for coffee
Me (thinking): SHIT!
Mr. F: Whats that place you love? Let's go there.
Me (thinking): whys he being so nice? *sigh*
We met at the intersections where our streets meet, and walked 1 block west to Manic, where I have Toronto's best latte, and he has a hot chocolate. We fight over who pays, and for the first time ever, I win, and that's only because I have cash and he doesn't. We talk until they close and finish cleaning up. It had started snowing sometime during the 3 hours we were sitting inside, and we walked back to where our streets cross, me dancing in the snow, him laughing at how childish I am.
He called me again Thursday. Twice. I was out with Nick, who's creative director had given him tickets to see Canada's first screening of U2-3D. I didn't call back. He called me again Saturday. After some small talk, he asked me to go walking in the snow with him. I teased him about calling me childish for liking walking in the snow and he denied ever calling me that! I told him I had dinner plans with the girls, and that I'd call him when I got home.
Dinner with the girls, included wine. One bottle quickly turned into 3, which if you average out meant 1 bottle per girl (except that Isabelle drank nearly 2 bottles on her own, and Emiliee and I split the other one). Nevertheless, we were all pretty drunk, and once the gossiping started it didn't end until 3am!
I called him the next afternoon (when I woke up). I didn't want him to think I was avoiding him(why I cared, is why I have these problems in the first place). He was sleeping, but we agreed to meet up later in the evening to walk through the snow blanketed city. GRRR! I suck!
We met at 8 at St. Patrick station and walked over to the Art Gallery of Ontario, which is closed for its transformation. He wanted to see how it was coming along, and when we got there, we both agreed it was looking amazing. He took me to the back of the AGO, and showed me where the spiral glass staircase was going to be, and told me how he couldn't wait for it to be done. We walked through Grange Park, and stumbled across an old church that neither of us had noticed before. He showed me Campbell house, a building I have passed hundreds of times and never took time to look at, and explained it's history to me. We wandered through the gardens of Osgoode hall, and then stopped at city hall Starbucks for hot chocolate. "we should have brought our skates" he says, "so you can break yours in". I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had worn them already earlier that week, with Nick, nonetheless.
"Lets see William Lyon Mackenzie house next" he suggests, when the coffee shop closed. It's a 10 minute walk from where we were. We stop at one of Toronto's largest churches, on the way: "You've never been inside?" he asks "You got to take a look, it's beautiful!" and we walk inside. There is a service going on, and we listen for a while, letting our finger and toes warm up from the cold. He was right, it was beautiful. After looking at William Lyon Mackenzie house, it was off to Dundas square, which is looking more like Times Square, each time I see it. We talk a bit, and then I suggest we go home. He has work tomorrow, and I don't want him to think I want to hang out with him, even though I do.
I get home and call Nick. I talk to him until I'm almost asleep. He asks me what I did today. I lie and tell him I hung out with Emilee.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Happy Birthday Nick(aka Mr. Agador Spartikus - his nick name since we saw the movie birdcage in high school)
May this year be filled with a lot of love, laughter and most importantly A LOT OF SEX!!
Arn't I such a good friend? ;)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
He called a couple of days ago, just as I was paying the cabbie, over an hour late to meet my friends for dinner "hello? I'll be there in a second, I'm just paying the cabbie" click. is what I said when the phone first rang. Then my phone rang again, not even two seconds later. This time I had a chance to check the caller ID. It was mr. F. Shit! It was mr. F!
me: hello? did you just call?
mr. F: yes! did you not recognize my voice?
me: no, sorry.... i thought you were my freinds...
mr. F: sorry to disappoint. You sound busy. Are you busy?
me: Ya. Kinda. I just stepped out of a cab, I'm late meeting my freinds for dinner.
mr. F: Oh. okay.
me: I'll call you tomorrow? (god why did I say this?)
mr. F: sure...
It's been two weeks since I've heard from mr. F. Two weeks since we spent all nite at his place drinking wine, eating chocolate, talking about love, life, family and religion. There was no making out (I actually flintched everytime he accidently touched me) and I refused to sit on his bed, opting to sit on the floor instead. I ran out of his place at 9am, after realizing I had spent the whole nite there, not realizing that time had flown by. I was too freaked out to turn around and say goodbye to him on my way out, instead choosing to yell it across the lobby of his condo, looking straight ahead. He wrote me an email later that night "As always, it seems when we hit certain topics time just flies by". The fact that he's right, scared me even more. I have never been as open about talking about love and life as I am with him. We want the same things, and we have the same values, ideals and dreams. But over the past 6 months, as I have gotten to know him better, we I have come to realize will never be able to be with eachother, romantically.
If only he had called 3 mintues later I would have been in the restaurant where it would have been too loud to hear the phone ring. He would have left a voice message, and I would have written an email back, saying sorry for missing his call. Now I had promised to call him back. fuck!
I waited until 9:30pm on Sunday to return his call. We used to call eachother almost everynight at 9:30pm back in Septemeber and October. Back when things were just starting out between us. Things have changed a lot since then, but I couldn't imagine calling him at any other time. He was at work. He too is an accountant, and it's busy season. I offered to let him go, but he said he had time to talk for a bit. We talked for 2 hours. Shit. I didn't mean for that to happen, but somehow it did. Just like it some how always does.
mr. F: What you doing this week?
Me: not much. just hanging out. the usual.
mr. F: I'll be in your area on Wednesday and Thrusday for work. We should get together.
Me: Oh, those are the only two days this week I'm busy.
mr. F: Really? (in a tone that clearly doesn't believe me). What are you doing?
Me: Wednesday is my dad's birthday. Thrusday is the Micheal Pollen lecture at the ROM. Remember I told you I got tickets for J for her birthday in december?
mr. F: Oh yea. I remember. Uhhh well maybe if you have time this weekend, we can do something???
Me: sure. call me, let me know.
Monday, I called my freinds to make plans for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, so I have a real excuse to give him. I suck at lying.
It took me so long to realize that he's not the one, and believe it. He's still one of the most interesting, passionate people I know. Talking to him for five mintues makes me want to to talk to him forever (if it wasn't obvious already). I'm so close to getting over him, now only if he would let me go. Please, mr. F, just let me go.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
this is about a girl. A real girl. Not one of those fake girls you see on tv with perfect hair and perfect skin with the perfect boy and their life all figured out. I am not one of those.
My hair is curly and frizzy, and has a mind of its own when its humid out. And my skin, although pimple free, i fear, is starting to show its age. It turns 28 later this year.
I have not met the perfect boy. I thought I did, a few times, once in high school, and again in university, then again when i started my first full time job, and just recently again when I went back to school. But each time I was wrong. So wrong. Well maybe not so wrong....they are all great guys, and there are elements in each of them that I wish I could copy and paste onto a guy-template of atleast 6 feet with good hair and mold him into my perfect man. If only life were like that, then maybe I would be happier. At least I think I would be happier.
Not that I'm not happy.....
But growing up, I thought my life would turn out to be a lot different than it is. Not that its bad .... I just never thought it would be like this. I thought I would have it figured out by now, I'd have a great job by now, be married and talking about babies by now. And although I would never change the life i've ended up living, there are a few areas I'd definitly modify. I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason, and in the words of Kanye West "dat dat dat dat dat dat don't kill me, only make me stronger" but still....
Things in my life that DO make me happy are spending afternoons in coffee shops reading magazines or writing my journal. Dangly earrings, red lipstick and red nail polish. Eating chocolate and/or ice cream, but not chocolate ice cream. Talking for hours with a good friend, going out to eat and finishing a bottle of wine alone! Paris. Travelling. Shopping. Learning new things. Doing my taxes. Pregnant friends. Walking through the city when its snowing out or sitting in a garden people watching when its sunny out. The colour red. My yellow Le Cruset. Making bread. Reading about the newest restaurant openings in Toronto. Toronto! (my city) Talking to my sister on msn. Having coffee with my mom. Cupcakes! How could i forget cupcakes?!?! Shoes and purses. Best friends. Trashy gossip magazines. The color red! Eyeshadow! Buying cards when I need to buy something! Chick flicks! Chick lit! The New York Times bestseller list. The feeling in your stomach when you first realize you are falling for someone....
Things that make me not so happy are pretty clothes that are too expensive for this regular girl to buy. Brad and Angelina. Cleaning my washroom and folding laundry. Broccoli. Girls younger than me, calling me "honey". Falling for close guy friends (welcome to the story of my life). The fact that the things that taste the best are the worst for you. Cold weather. Getting older (because it means my parents are getting older too). AIDS. Cancer. Poverty. War. Homework. Property tax. Heartbreak. Having things not go as planned.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
and i start to think how much my life sucks, and i remember that my life is really not that bad.
You know why?
I have the most supportive loving family a girl can ask for. A family that supported me when i decided to go quit my job and go back to school, and has supported me through so much more. A mother and father who would give up anything, if it means life would be easier for me. A sister that adores me, and i adore even more. Sure they didn't get me the ice cream maker attachment for my kitchen-aid mixer, that i was hinting at but they give me much much more than that.
I have the best friends a girl can ask for. Friends who are there for me always - Who are there doing crazy things with me, not standing by the sidelines judging, who are there to laugh with me and cry with me always - and trust me, i cry and laugh - A LOT. Plus, when my family were slow to pick up on the hints i was giving for the kitchen-aid ice cream maker attachment, my freinds were must quicker :)
I'm smart, talented, i'm healthy. I'm never left needing. I have a roof over my head, I can buy my food from whole foods if I want. I'm well travelled, educated and I'm on my way to earning my designation. I love to laugh, and love to love.
So remind me again why i was complaining?
Posted by AT at 9:50:00 PM
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Friday, March 09, 2007
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Saturday, March 03, 2007
this afternoon, as i was studying away in my local starbucks, i ordered a drink that i dont often order and was surprised at its price. It was cheaper than i expected! This got me thinking about about ghetto lattes, and how one can customize this drink to save a quarter or two. I know to some it doesnt seem like a lot - but at the rate i drink starbucks, it probably adds up to a large enough amount to make a difference.
i've got two ghetto drinks so far. I'll post them, when i get to 3! Dont worry, i have 2 more midterms to go and then 4 finals. I'm sure i'll have the third in an hour or so ;)
Friday, March 02, 2007
this contest is making me hate blogging
its become a chore rather than something to look forward to
at first i liked the idea of having to blog every day....it would be a good thing to have to look back on when i'm old. But now i feel that blogging is a lot like freindships, i rather have a few good blog entries, than 365 dumb ones.
unfortunatly, i've decided that i'm going to win this contest, so until emily forgets to post (which i hope is soon)....i'll be here, every damn single day!
Monday, February 26, 2007
1. you invite your freind out for dinner and drinks, fully knowing when you say drinks you mean the "quad grande americanos" type and not the alcoholic kind
2. you say you are giving up chocolate for lent, and after 3 days you give up on lent.
3. the inside of your fridge looks like this:
4. your fridge will continue to look like that (or worse) for another 10 days or so
5. you refuse to post a picture of what the rest of your house looks like, because you are embaressed to let your friends know you are capable of living in a pig stye!
6. you eat, sleep and drink at starbucks - and thats not only because you work there!
7. you find reasons to go to the gym. This proves that at midterm time, anything is better than studying!
8. you start singing iamslowlygoingcrazy1-2-3-4-5-6-switch!
9. you request brain power from your sister via msn, because she's already taken the course and you need all the help you can get.
10. you want to write an interesting post, but all you got time for is a list of 10 things proving it's midterm time *sigh*
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Yesterday was close! So close that if i didn't run all the way home from the subway station, and post before i went to the washroom, i probably wouldnt have made it. To be completely honest, i totally forgot all about posting until i was forced to watch a couple make out all the way from College to St. Andrew station. Watching them made me want to write a long rant about PDAs which reminded me i hadn't posted yet! However, since the gross couple helped me stay in the contest i will save my rant for some other time. Infact, if i win the contest (which i will), i might even be willing to thank them!